Tug-of-war

Admittedly, I'm not a dog person. I don't dislike them; I can even see how so many of you think they are so adorable. But I would definitely not be considered a dog lover, which is why I was surprised yesterday to find myself so endeared to a particular pup that the Lord really spoke loud and clear to me through. And no, I'm not going the same direction as the story of Balaam and his donkey in Numbers 22. Different kind of speaking here.

Meet Kat the dog. That's right, Kat the dog. Kat's owners have known my friend Erin for years, and while they were out of town this weekend, Erin had me and some others over to enjoy Kat's pool in this triple digit heat. As you can see, Kat has a slobbery death grip on a blue toy that she tried to drop in my lap more times than I care to remember. I think some dogs have a sixth sense that I'm not crazy about them so they seek me out to play more than other people. It's really uncanny.

Despite my inclinations to run from doggy drool, yesterday I decided to indulge Kat's penchant to play fetch. But there was one problem. Remember the slobbery death grip on the toy I mentioned? And can you see from the picture how Kat is straining to keep it in her custody? It can be quite challenging to play fetch with a dog that doesn't want to lose control of their prized possession.

Uh-oh. I think I'm making a connection here. Over the years, I've gained a lot of head knowledge about Who should be sovereign in my life. Who I need to trust with my little blue toys. With everything. I repeat through prayer and in time with others that I am "laying it all down at the foot of the cross." I'm not even sure what that even means as there hasn't been very much tangible evidence that I believe it is OK to do so. 

Plain and simple, I am a control freak. I don't want God to have my little blue toys because I fear what He'll do with them. So we play tug-of-war back and forth. And when I make life about my stuff, plans, or goals, I miss the point all together. There is no fear in life when we strive to know Him and make Him known instead of getting stuck in the minutiae of decisions and belongings. But that may be a whole other blog post...

"Here you go", I say as I pretend I'm laying my hopes, dreams, and possessions down at His feet. "Do as you will with all that I have." But I often don't relinquish control even when those words are on my lips. Kat refused to let go of her toy, yet she still strangely stuck by my side with it as if to say, "I think I want you to have this so you can use it in a way that will make me have more fun, but I'm not sure I fully trust you. So I'll just hold onto it while you stand by. Let's just pretend that we're playing fetch."

I'm reminded of the rich young ruler in the Gospels. He was sad when Jesus told him to sell all he had. I get sad too when I think of what Luke 9:23 really means. But that is so messed up in light of eternity. I have this transactional view of God; if I come to Him and halfway give Him all I have (which, by definition, is impossible), I think that He will somehow honor the fact that I'm going through the motions, trusting Him with my salvation but not my time on earth.

Yesterday, Kat finally opened her mouth to disengage it from the toy and allow me control of it. When I threw it across the yard, that silly black dog had so much more elation in it than she did in the miserable time that she spent trying to keep it from me. When she gave up, she gave into life and joy.

I have spent so much unnecessary energy holding onto that which is meant to be in my Creator's hands. Thank you, sweet Kat, for holding up a mirror and allowing me to see myself as the inevitable loser in this tug-of-war battle.

Releasing my death grip one day at a time.

Challenged

Yes, I realize this is the first time in 3 1/2 months that I have updated this site. Blogging has just gone way down on the priority list. But I may start trying again. Maybe.

With that out of the way, today I'm writing more for my own sanity and to capture one thing that the Lord is continually showing me in life. Psalm 73:25-26 is likely Scripture that most Christians are familiar with or even have committed to memory. I was first introduced to it as a child and it remained with me through some distant years of rebellion. 

"Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever."

The poetry and truth behind these words have always encouraged me, providing even some warm fuzzy feelings when life didn't make sense. And while there is nothing wrong with the strength that I can find in this Psalm, this week I wrapped my heart around another level of the message here. A level that is more of a challenge than a channel of grace.

Do I really have nothing except Christ? Can I say with integrity that there is nothing else on earth I desire besides Him? Unfortunately, the answer to both of those questions is no. Sadness presents itself to me when I lack earthly possessions or when relationships here fall short of expectations (among other situations). I always understand and trust that God loves me, but more often than I would like I don't allow that care from Him to cover all needs I may have.

So instead of simply resting in the truth of Psalm 73:25-26, which I will continue to do, I also want it to be the bar that I set for myself when contentment seems to be lacking. I can be simultaneously comforted by the fact that He is enough and provoked to live my life as He is enough. Growing up watching gynmastics, I love the visual that Scripture can be both the balance beam that I set as the standard for walking uprightly and the soft mat that I take comfort upon when I slip.

C.S. Lewis has famously said, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." We should expect a lack of comfort in this world and relish the chance to make Jesus the focal point that we need in those moments.

Needs

I just returned from my second trip to Haiti.  Though I have received my fair share of passport stamps in the last five years, especially to countries such as Haiti that lack some glamor/comfort, for some reason I can't get this little, chaotic nation out of my head since I first went back in September.

Without certainty as to what the Lord is doing with Haiti in my life long-term, I know that for now I have several lessons to learn from my time down there.  The first has been knocking around in my head for about six months now and is an extension of what most people would probably take away from any time spent surrounded by extreme poverty: that our "needs", the things we may even come begging to God for, are secondary when we are faced with not having basic essentials like food, water, clothing, and shelter met.

In September, I met a young man named Laurens who caused me to take pause in one of our interactions.  Laurens was poor; his family couldn't afford school or shoes, and he suffered from an ocular disease that was evident in a swollen left eye.  Laurens, like many in Haiti, wanted to take advantage of the fact that he had some time with wealthy Americans and almost immediately after he met, he asked me to finance his education.

This was a request I didn't feel I could meet, especially given some research I had recently done on how Westerners have done more harm than good by just handing out fish instead of showing people how to use a rod and reel themselves (metaphorically). I shared with my new friend that I wanted him to have access to education.  That was a great thing.  But above all, I wanted him to know the hope that I did in Jesus.  As badly as I wanted Laurens to go to school, I exponentially wanted him to know what abundant life on earth was through Christ.  At one point in our conversation, Laurens looked at me and said, "I feel sorry for you."

What?!?!  YOU feel sorry for ME?  I was taken aback for sure.  Here I am, an American with health, wealth, and prosperity, swooping into an impoverished and earthquake ravaged country to be told that I don't get it.

What shocked me even more was hearing why Laurens felt sorry for me. He actually pitied that I didn't crave materialism like he did.  That even though I have all that I could ever dream of, I don't appreciate it and seemed not to succumb to the wooing of money/possessions (seriously...if only he knew how much I really struggle there!).

I had been a on roller coaster ride of emotions with Laurens, first wanting him to have Jesus over "stuff", followed by offense at his pity of me, then some paternalism that comes with trying to help those in poverty, and finally back to grief for what I wanted him to understand. I walked away from that interaction just sad.  Sad that there is always something that I will want more than Jesus.  Sad that we have been trained to look to the world to fill voids in our life.  But above all grateful that an answer is right at the fingertips of every one of us if we acknowledge His sovereignty in our lives.

On my most recent trip to Haiti, this was re-iterated for me again when I met a small child I simply like to refer to as 'Lil Bling. On both occasions that I spent time with Bling, he didn't have pants on.  However, he was sporting a gold chain around his neck.  Without jumping to too many conclusions as to why he wasn't fully clothed, I do have to wonder, why the jewelry before the pants?  Where is the priority of needs there, and how does that translate to my life?

I often think that certain clothing, a husband, or fitting in with the materialistic Dallas crowd is what I need to make the cut.  But I am wrong, so wrong.  I know with my head to truly meet all needs with Jesus, but my actions often show my lack of faith in that belief.

In my hierarchy of felt needs, I am fighting to make Jesus first.

Snowpocalypse

I thought this was over. Last night, as I drifted off to sleep, I anticipated being able to come to work today (for the first time since Monday) and resuming life as I know it.

Instead, I woke up to 8-ish inches of snow on top of the ice that had already been accumulating in Dallas this week. For the fourth day in a row, I am working from home in my pajamas (no complaints there) and forced to drive 10 mph anywhere I go (quite a test of my patience).

It really is beautiful; below is a picture I took of my street when I woke up this morning. As it continues to drift down out my window, I can also hear excited kids in my neighborhood making snowmen and catching the falling flakes on their tongues.

Roads, electricity, DART rails, and other ways that we have, over time, changed our world into one of convenience are shutting down and losing their reliability. I can't help but to be reminded of how God will often thwart the plans of men, and shows His sovereignty over our own independence.

We plan to go to work or enjoy Super Bowl festivities, but the Lord purposes to show us His majesty through snow and says we will stay home.

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:21

Our wisdom creates technology that eases our lives most of the time (which I do appreciate, btw), but it is still futile when up against what God has already made.

There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord. Proverbs 21:30

What a sweet reminder that He is in control no matter how we attempt to take the reins. Grateful for having that lesson continually hammered into my stubborn mind this week!

Impossible

For the majority of my life, I have heard people in my life repeat the phrase, "With God, all things are possible."  This is true. It's Biblical (Matthew 19:26). And it's never impacted me in quite the same way as it has in the last week.

As I tweeted last Tuesday, a fantastic writer, teacher, and disciple of Jesus' came to my church's staff meeting to impart some of his wisdom in 50 years of ministry to us.  Chuck Swindoll, with both humor and humility, communicated some simple yet effective truths to us that will hopefully stick with me for many years.  In the midst of many adages and insightful one-liners that he shared over about two hours, the most profound was this, "When God wants to do an impossible task, He takes an impossible person and crushes him."

Ouch. Who wants to hear that? Certainly not someone who wants God to use them for great things! I know I do, but my initial tendency is to do it my way. . .painlessly, with the adoration of many who will mistake me for some overly-spiritual-Mother-Teresa-in-the-making. Yikes. . .did I just admit that publicly?! Not sure that is in His plan!

What I've come to understand in the seven days since I first heard these words of Chuck's is that, all things ARE possible. Even me. My boneheaded, stubborn, prideful, vain, selfish, idiotic bent must be shut down. Impossible person + impossible task = disaster.

There are circumstances in my life, as I'm sure everyone can identify with, that feel impossible. I must practice humility (as in humbling myself before God; understanding He is wiser than I) and entrust myself to One who not only loves me, but loves me enough to remind me that my way is not the highway. And that my way often leads to either me getting hurt or my hurting another.

Where does this leave me?  Trying to remain confident that trusting Him will not be in vain; that something God wants to accomplish can become a reality if I am willing to crucify my flesh. Over the last several years, as I have learned more about who God wants me to be, this is a huge work in progress; impossible this side of heaven. And I have asked Him to use me as He wishes in accomplishing some big things. But first, I must remain sensitive to how He wants to change this impossible daughter of His. . .and good thing I know He is up to impossible tasks.

Journey!

I can be one lazy girl sometimes.  Today, I am too lazy to blog, so I'm just going to recycle something that I wrote back in the fall and was posted to Watermark's Join the Journey website today.  For those of you not familiar with the Journey, it's our daily Bible reading plan.  Click on the link below and don't necessarily check what I wrote out, but rather take the opportunity to get in God's word this year!  If you want to sign up for daily emails, there is a place to do that as well.

Enjoy!

http://wmcc.jointhejourney.com/log/67764 

2010

2010....what a crazy year! As is natural to do at the end of December, I have recently had some major reflection on the last 12 months of my life, which were jam-packed.  Since I have only been blogging since September, here are some quick highlights!

I moved, cut almost 6 inches of hair off, traveled to Kansas City, France, Colorado, North Carolina, California (twice), and fell in love with everything about Haiti. In those adventures, I crossed the borders of 10 states and 3 countries.  I attended more weddings than I can count at this point, and ate some great French food thanks to my friend Julie's Julie & Julia dinners. I ran in both the Dallas Turkey Trot and the White Rock half marathon races, and had some first-time experiences like knee surgery and sky-diving.  My family and I got to have some good quality time all over Texas and in Asheville, North Carolina as well.  I read some excellent books (The Hole in Our Gospel, When Helping Hurts, A Tale of Three Kings, The Prisoner in the Third Cell, and Born to Run), adopted some new favorite bands, and also saw my fair share of great movies (seriously, Inception is probably in my top 3 movies now).

2010 marks the year I turned the big 3-0, which was monumental in and of itself as I struggled through the number and finally embraced it.  Walking away from this year, I think my biggest take-away is that, well, 30 just isn't all that old.  I still feel like I'm 22 and love every facet of my life.

The last few years, I have dreaded the calendar turning to a new year as to me, as that only signaled my own inevitable climb up in age.  Next year, however, is already quite promising with 2 trips to Haiti planned, and I also have plane tickets to both Paris and Prague!  By the time March comes to an end, I will have been in 5 different countries.  Traveling is my favorite hobby, and I can't wait for it to all start!

Below is a collage of 2010 pictures I made, as well as a few more that I just couldn't leave out of this post.  Enjoy!  Here's to 2011 and that it is as full of adventure, learning, growing, and laughter as 2010 was!